Why Don't I Want to Turn 25?

As I pulled up to our driveway I stopped to get the mail. Thumbing through it I found a card from the DMV informing me that my licence needed to be renewed by June 9th. I squinted for a moment, than remembered, "Oh Yeah, I'm turning 25."  How excited I was to take that first licence picture at 16. I sighed as I thought about how different my life is now. I parked onto the gravel road of the farm we live on, chickens running around pecking at the ground. I carried my 9 month old in the house and started to cry, and the tears just kept coming.

In the rain at 15

The same tears I cried earlier this spring when I was going through my summer clothes. I had found an old t-shirt I made at Summer camp when I was 15. It was one of my favorites for years, but I have no use for it now. I realized that was 10 years ago, and how different my life is now. I was so head-strong, confident, I had a feeling of belonging in those years and I had a strong sense of God's will. That t-shirt saw some of my favorite memories, the most I had ever laughed, many adventures and dear friends that live so far away now, I can barely keep in touch.

Most days I feel lost in a sea of diapers, laundry, grocery lists, and more things that haven't gotten done. A decent night's sleep is a thing of the past. Everything is new again as a first time mom. Like that familiar, miserable feeling when you're in training at a new role, and everyday you fail a little less. I especially HATE being new at things because I am a slow learner. Regardless of how many diapers I had changed or how many years I had been a nanny before, I had never taken care of a whole household on my own. It never occurred to me that being a stay at home mom means also being a full time cleaner. Did I mention I hate cleaning? (I would much rather sit and chat with you instead.) It just feels like everyday I have to do a list of things I'm not good at and don't enjoy doing, but I guess that's part of growing up.

I continued to reminisce, looked at pictures that took me back, laughed at different memories. I couldn't exactly pinpoint why I was so sad. I wanted to be able to say "remember when" with someone. I wanted those friendships to last. If given the chance I would go back to being 15 but I wouldn't stay for more than a day. I love my husband, I still love spending everyday with my best friend. My husband is more handsome, talented, caring, a better friend and a better fit than anything I could have asked for. We have a beautiful son who just amazes me. He makes me laugh everyday, and where ever we go its a new adventure. With an affirming smile from my husband, suddenly I am head-strong, confident. I have a feeling of belonging and a strong sense that I am doing God's will being Lance's wife and Everett's mom.

  I realized I am closing a chapter in my life, but a new one has already been in the works. Its bittersweet, and its okay to morn the loss of my teenage years of less obligations and little responsibility. I'm not going to get stuck in the past, and I'm throwing away that old t-shirt. By letting go of what was, I can look ahead and see so much more that my life holds. Being 25 isn't bad it just marks a point when I evaluate where I am and realize how much my life has changed. I'm not going to hold on to 15, its my choice and I'm going to RELISH in 25. And 26. And 27...